My father-in-law, and Anjoy before she left us, are the only people besides myself who seem to notice the robin phenomenon. Once a year, usually for one or two days only, there are robins everywhere. Yesterday, standing at the open window in the washroom (it's my designated place to cry if I'm not alone in the house-and sometimes even when I am) I noticed two, then three, four, and five robins visiting the bird bath and the feeders in the back yard. A few cardinals watched nearby, perfectly still. It was enough to not only stop the crying, but to bring a sense of hope and calm. Every time they come I'm reminded of something Laura Dern's character said in the David Lynch movie Blue Velvet:
"I had a dream. In fact, it was on the night I met you. In the dream, there was our world, and the world was dark because there weren't any robins and the robins represented love. And for the longest time, there was this darkness. And all of a sudden, thousands of robins were set free and they flew down and brought this blinding light of love. And it seemed that love would make any difference, and it did. So, I guess it means that there is trouble until the robins come."
I'm a stupid, stupid woman and somewhere in more rational regions of my brain I know that the problems I'm facing can't be fixed by magical birds, but seeing them yesterday meant everything. The specialists say I'll lose the use of my right hand within a year if the therapy they are initiating doesn't work. Surgery is the last option. Nerve conductivity tests performed over the last two years show how rapidly this thing has taken over while my primary physician has sat on it, doing nothing at all. His mind set has been that since he treats me for severe clinical depression my physical complaints HAD to be psychosomatic. Bastard. All this could have been avoided. And my twisted skeletal frame was all in my head too, right doc? And the torn ligaments in my knee, and the broken bones in my feet, all a figment of my imagination. I'm 41 years old and my body feels like that of an 80 year old. Every day is a fight against the unrelenting pain. And if nothing else will work, if no one else can help, I'll take the robins.
11:47 a.m. - 2006-02-10
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