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2005-11-04 - Restless, lonely
This time of the year I always feel the need to get back in touch with the natural rhythms of the earth. Find my way back to the 'old ways' my gypsy grandmother would say. Birth and death and renewal, all the growing and changes that happens in between, these are inevitable and natural. And yet. And yet I don't feel like I've changed much as the end of another year comes into view. If anything I've become more dysphoric about how I see my body. The more I improve it the more horrific it appears to me. I'm not speaking a word of this outloud anymore. Just put one foot in front of the other and don't pass any mirrors. I've been on vacation this week. Just me. Just doctors appointments and house cleaning. And long hours without my family. Next year I'll take vacation on days that someone else here has off because this has been rather lonely.
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