She's been gone two years today, my mother-in-law Anjoy. I miss her so very much. Even now I still come across little things that bring her back just for a moment. I want to take comfort in these things, turn them over again and again, to examine how they feel now and not be left with the bitter aftertaste of regret. Sometimes I can, sometimes not. It's easier to some degree now to deal with the loss. Except on my orphan days, days when I feel overwhelmingly lost and alone. My relationship with my own mother and step father continues to evolve/dissolve and I marvel at that too. There is a woman out there that I can hardly claim to know or understand-given our estrangement-that is my mother, my flesh and blood. And yet I feel so remote, so abandoned. It's really a ridiculous notion for an adult to feel this way. Why should I need it or care, after all this time and so much gone wrong?
I'd like to go find something pretty to plant in the tree rings today. Anjoy always had dusty pink dianthus growing around the decks at the beach. Maybe I can find something reminiscent of those.
10:56 a.m. - 2006-04-05
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