I made a list of reasons for and against continuing to live once. Okay, maybe more than once. And I came up with more reasons to live, which shocked me. The thing is, the reasons for not wanting to live are usually so pressing and painful. How do we see beyond what we are trying to live through if it's sorrow filled and consumes all our energy? It is often impossible to keep in mind that where you are today and what you are dealing with is only today's reality. Sure, we have to own every second of it without knowing for certain when it will end. But it will. You know I'm talking to you out there, the one with her forest and swirling colors. Go dance. Lie down in the rain too if you have to, and be washed clean of this grey film. Just don't let this present stagnation consume too much of your time, and your heart along with it.
I just finished a catering assignment for a three day event, a festival of spiritual awareness and healing. I met people from assorted religious backgrounds, vocations, and nationalities, a real melting pot. Everybody had one thing in common and it had brought them all together under the same roof. It was a questioning, about themselves or about their universe. Who am I, really? What is my real purpose in this life? Hard questions. And nobody pretended to have the answers. But lots of possibilities were available. From one booth to the next you either moved closer to your answer, or collected more questions to add to the ones you already had. Though I was busy preparing or serving, I did manage to walk around a bit and have some fun with it. I had my aura photographed and interpreted and was amazed at the accuracy of the clairvoyant doing them.
I was entertained this weekend. I was wowed, spooked, amused, and satisfied. And now I'm just tired. One week ago today I received my second atunement in reiki and became violently ill afterward, spending one whole night bowed before the porcelain throne and the next day in bed feverish and shaking. It's normal. It's part of a 21 day cleansing that takes place after an atunement. It has taken almost the entire week to stabilize and regain my strength, but I'm feeling much better. The rest of the cleanse is still uncomfortable but I can manage, it seems mostly to be emotional now rather than physical. I have long periods of deep sadness, quiet tears. This is different than the regret I usually live with. This is spiritual atonement, the great time-out-corner of the universe.
The tea kettle is on for roasted barley tea and my freshly laundered quilt is waiting on the futon, maybe I can come out of time-out for just a little while. This spiritual growth nonsense is hard work.
9:09 p.m. - 2006-07-16
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