Three years ago I met this elderly lady who seemed nice. She was also apparently all alone. I'd call her from time to time asking how she was, if we'd had bad weather I'd check up on her to make sure she was ok. A little less than six months ago she called and asked me the most peculiar questions. Things like how involved I am with my daughter, what my thoughts were on cremation. Bizarre. I had to ask eventually what it was all leading up to and she asked me to come for coffee and talk as soon as possible. I did, several days later. She wanted me to become her sole beneficiary, to help her later in the years when she isnt able to help herself. Her words were, "Your only real obligation to me is when I die, all the arrangements have been made and you just have to pick up my ashes." Right, and sit by silently and obediently while she proceeded to show signs of insanity. Here's what I mean: I called her just before I had to go to work two weeks ago and she flipped out on me. Accused me of keeping secrets from her about financial troubles she imagined I had, and of not communicating with her. I hung up on her. The fact of the matter is, I'd begun to lie about how many hours I actually work just to have an excuse not to spend more time with her. In less that six months she'd gone from "Just call me now and then" to requesting that I call every other day in case she was dead and the dog was eating her body, and visiting in person once a week so she could delve into my personal business, of which she was certain I was hiding much from her. Crazy. I'd gotten to the point I didn't want to call her because she was morbid and bitter. And visit her in person? No thank you. She has had half a dozen animals over the time I've known her and every one ended up at my house because she cast them off for one reason or another. "I can't clean up after these birds, they make such a mess." Or, "I have been so sick lately I just know I'm allergic to the cat." I didn't want more animals and secretly wished she'd stop getting them because I knew I'd be stuck with them. I think she was lonely and wanted the company she felt she would have with them. In retrospect it's clear she had to have scared off anyone who'd otherwise have kept her company. I should have suspected something the day she said "If anyone shows up when I'm dead claiming I promised them anything, they're lieing." Well I'm wise to her now, two weeks after that phone call that left me in tears and so rattled I didn't know if I could make it to work. She sent a card in the mail immediatley saying she was releasing me of the burden of calling her often, that she'd call me if she needed anything. I thought about it and sent a letter to her asking that I be released from her will. I just would rather not be obligated to endure verbal and psychological abuse from someone who thinks they've purchased that right by putting me in their will. Last Friday she left this psycho voice mail for the whole family to hear (and they did) saying she wanted all her stuff back, papers, etc. And everything she'd ever given us, including gifts. I gathered up what I could and planned to return it today. One of the things she gave us was bath towels, wash cloths, and hand towels and our dryer has been inoperable because of a broken part that was on order. So I couldn't really return them until today, and she flipped out again and called in a rage because I hadn't put her stuff in front of her door as she'd asked. I've been afraid to call her and explain abut the towels in light of her previous outbursts. But she went on in half-screamed sentences which left her breathing hard and sounding shakey, about how I "have too many problems" and she didn't want any contact with me. I've never claimed any problems, she came up with all these wild ideas. She needs professional help but I'm sure she won't get it. In her mind everyone else has the problem. I have to wonder how many other people she's driven away like this. I'm sorry to have exposed my family to someone like this. Even sorrier that she KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. Today when I brought her stuff I knocked on the door so she'd know I was there so her things wouldn't be in danger of being stolen. I didn't hear the dog bark, which means she's probably taken him to the pound or dumped him somewhere. I didn't hear anything inside her apartment so I knocked again and she yelled, "I'm not answering the door." I thought about it a second or two and called back that I was putting the keys in the envelope with the paperwork. She said, "That's just fine." I was about to turn and leave but called to her through the door that I loved her and if she needed anything to please call me. No reply. So I left. I know she was horrible to me, but who's going to look after her now if she gets sick? And what if she does die there at the apartment and no one knows? There's obviously no dog to "eat her body" now, but still I feel a bit guilty and sad. That's my problem, I'm too ready to accept blame and guilt. I have to let go of this and move on. I don't need this negativity.
As if nature itself were conspiring against me, it's begun to rain and I was supposed to go to the fair tonight.
5:21 p.m. - 2004-10-12
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