The carnival with all its flashing color and spectacle has left town for another year. What blows in with a cloud of September dust usually leaves with an October rain, and they were taking down the Big Wheel when the first drops came. Well before dawn their camping trailers were headed north, leaving a trail of bubbles in their stead through the downpour.
Another year gone. Again I have to wonder, what have I accomplished? And again I come to the conclusion, not much really. But is that true, or fair? And whose measuring stick am I using? The fact is I haven't done any worse (but not any better) than the year before. I miss looking back on the year gone by and seeing progress. Though, that usually meant I'd had to come through literal hell and had simply survived. Not exactly the case anymore as he is still abstaining from drink and therefore maintaining gainful employment, making the payment of mortgages and various necessities such as electricity and water possible. But that was back then, when things were horrible. What have I done lately?
I took some time off. First I traveled with my daughter and her Navy JROTC class to visit a submarine base in King's Bay, Georgia. Then I visited St. Mary's, a quaint seaside village of historical homes and ancient oaks draped with Spanish moss.
I've been hiding and seeking. Hiding from disappointment in myself, while seeking solutions to somehow fix all these shortcomings. I know autumn is the season for pause and reflection, and it is by far my favorite time of year, but I've grown weary of looking back and seeing nothing noteworthy. I'm not asking for hardship to bring out the survivalist in me, I just want progress that can be measured, something real and meaningful. How can I celebrate the harvest when I only planted a few, fragile seeds? I can't prepare for the depth and darkness of winter again knowing I haven't effected enough positive change yet. I'm not content. I've got to do something. But what?
2:46 p.m. - 2006-10-29
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